Lately some hello's have been starting to feel like a sharper blade in the wrists than Goodbyes. Too many goodbyes not enough how are you's, how was your day, but rather I can't talk now, I'l talk to you back when the moon is full again, I know you understand..
A lot of I wish I would've, could have, should have's but not enough I am glad I did, straight to it, no regrets. Conversations are the number one difficulties I have before public speaking, how is it possible that your tongue can betray you in a split second, making you think that what you said was honest and innocent, when it really meant I desperately want you to save your goodbye, because I don't want to have to deal with those words for now, but I don't want to sound desperate. Conversations and encounters have there magical side. You feel this connection like you have known eachother for years when it's been only a few months. You let your guard down so easily, no hesitation, no overthinking about it. Are you not concerned about tomorrow? Because I am, I think about tomorrow, and the day after, and the week after, the year after.. Time is the only thing I have a solid grip on, because how can I rely on your words, if my tongue can betray me countless time, I am certain yours is no exception.
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My thoughts and dedication goes out to you, wherever you may be wandering
After winter, the only thing any person could possibly look forward to is spring. When the ice and cold melts away and flowers start to bloom. No question about it, everything is beautiful, but not as beautiful as you. I always look back on my list on the 7 things I should have said, but I always hold back. Like spring daisies, you always make me wait. I am not heartless, and my heart is something that I chose who I share it with, it has been absent however for some time now. Hearts are something like shirts, when you leave it at someone else's house it's not completely yours anymore, and by any chance it will always remain there. I called you many times to come over because I felt lonely, I wanted to share the night sky with someone who I did not share similar interests in, and that was sort of whatever. You opened your arms and kissed me with open an open mouth, and I wonder what are you feeling? what are the thoughts running through that brilliant mind of yours, do you know anything about the girl you are sharing your dna with? it's kind of funny. But as it is written somewhere in the world, just like summer romances, spring ends when the fun is all over, and the sharp sun rays of summer lights on the things you tried to hid from everyone else. The light coming through my curtain shines on the list of the 7 things I should have said but I never did. A list of should have beens, would have beens and could have beens that never saw the light of day. It's only 6 in the morning and soon the sun will set its place in the sky and I cannot wait another day to set my place in yours. from the bottom up, 7, I am the insecure type and its no secret how I show it, 6, is the number of hours of the maximum sleep I could get during the week because my thoughts keep me awake more than coffee ever can, 5, I'm starting to catch feelings, 4, as much as I try to avoid it, all my friends know who that for sure is for, 3, the list is getting shorter and and my voice is too. You're being so quiet lately, and it feels different. You came over and the night sky does not shine as bright as it did the first time you came 2, I'm not trying to make complains because I am happy sharing the same night sky as you. 1, Spring has just begun, but these feelings are taking over me I should not be selfish, but like good wine, I can't help that the 1 t thing I want deeply, I always will want more Like seasons, feelings and people are not forever, some will come back, but they will never come completely the same. I just hope if you ever read this poem, that your heart fills with tears. Maybe when you read this it will bring you back some memories of what I said Maybe it won't, doesn't matter.. what matters is that you will understand what it's like to break someone's heart and you will learn how big gravity really is. Anywhere but here, above and between Heaven on earth, hell on earth, frowns and smiles.. opposites like the directions on a compass, broken, You are broken and you won't admit it, you hold your posture straight, and late at night..
you don't sleep, in fact you barely eat.. you want to be anywhere but here Your life is running you, you are not running it. and IT just seems to be the only thing you think about. Whether it is good or bad, it feeds you, it eats you whole and alive..from the inside you are crying, and slowly dying but not as slowly as you want to take everything back again.. You are on an emotional roller coaster, it won't stop, you get your peeks, and then everything drops, just like your heart drops around 2 AM. And there is nothing you can help to think of, than to be anywhere but there. Anywhere but not in this lonely place. We didn't talk much. Just a few times. Not even talked about personal things. I think we just exchanged smiles. It felt weird enough being attached to a man I barely knew. But there was something about him that gave me closure. A peek of safety. Made me feel like he was the father I longing to have.
Is this normal? Nothing i say or do ever is. I felt a sense of peace Whenever he would smile with me whenever he saw me pass by. I don't know what about him made it feel like he was my father. We don't look a like and he sure wouldn't see me like a daughter. But forget the logistics let's think feelings. If only choosing your love was like that huh? Forget about the odds and the facts. Kind of how you want to forget and pretend he didn't cheat on you again. But I'm going off topic, let me start again. Or better yet let me summarize this so you can understand. I am not normal. I feel attached to strangers I don't even know. But it's that kind of closure I get with them that I guess makes me whole. |
AuthorA collection of a few published poems and spoken words by Keyla. Feel free to go through any of them, feed back is always welcome. Archives
April 2018
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